Sorsogon Today (March 7, 2005 Issue)
I have surrendered. I have thrown my old-self freely after embracing the belief that “My God gave me a fresh start when I asked for His forgiveness and when I accepted His promise of a new life.” In the past, I may have been a real pain, but looking at my life now, I can proudly say I have gone a long way already and I know, in a way, I have aged gracefully.
What in God’s name am I talking about? Well, I am just looking back at the life I used to have and I cannot help but laugh and sometimes feel embarrassed of how I used to live my life.
I am the youngest in the family. I lost my mother when I was 7 years old, and I knew that my father and my sisters and brothers made an effort to look after me and fill up the void that my mother left. I guess because of that, I became a self–centered fool. I always saw to it that I got the longer end of the stick. Friends would always give way or give in to my demands.
I was also very sensitive. My sensitivity before was based on the “negative self-talk” which went on in my mind. It was brought about by my thinking that people always intended to hurt me. I was very coward to accept pain, that was why I tried so hard to protect myself by appearing to be strong. To some, I was strong, but to others I was simply, one of Snow White’s dwarfs, GRUMPY!
I remember not so long ago. My bestfriend sent me a message which really pissed me off. Remember the joke about the Pope which circulated in a matter of seconds? Laugh at me if you want (because I am laughing too!) but because of that incident, my bestfriend and I didn’t text each other for months. I also was infuriated at the person who forwarded that message to her, and he too, got a taste of my scorching fury. For years, I pretended I did not know him. What I later discovered was that they too, detested my being so ill-tempered, to the point of making that incident a laughing stock whenever they would gather, of course, without me. Hey guys, I am sorry, but face it, I was grumpy, because you were careless. We call that “stimulus-response”. You did something, and I just reacted, though negatively and foolishly.
But that was a thing of the past now. Did I ever apologize for being such a loser? I have to ask them. But honestly, I also felt bad and embarrassed at how I could react sensitively to something so shallow and trivial. I regret it when I had spent the time arguing, instead of simply being tolerant and simply loving my friends or the people that God send to me everyday of my life. It was a total waste of time because now I realize that life is so short, people are moving in such a rapid pace, people always come and go, and it was such a shame that when they were gone already, in between my tears, I still would have to ask myself if I treated them well, or if they at least sincerely appreciated having me in their lives.
When I completely surrendered to Him, I forgave myself for being a pain and I vowed to throw my old self away. I didn’t promise to be a Ms. Nice Girl or Ms. Congeniality, but my goal is to simply try to treat people how I would want to be treated, to accept the people I encounter everyday (face to face or vicariously) as a gift from God and that they are the people sent to me from heaven as an invitation to do good and to improve my character.
I succeeded and continue to succeed, though at times the daily hassles in life would really catch me off-guard. It is not an easy task to vow each day to live in peace but I attribute my success to my daily practice of having a “running-conversation with God.” I got the idea from a book I read written by Carole Gift Page. It is simply living my life in a state of constant prayer. It is praying from the moment I wake up until the moment I retire to bed at night. It is as if, every second of the day, I have with me the Lord as a constant companion and partner.
I talk to Him when a sad thought hit me, or when I am faced with matter that needs my decision. I talk to Him whenever I feel bored, tired or useless. I always imagine Him to be sitting at my side and just listening to me whenever I am in pain and my tears seem to flow uncontrollably. I would ask Him what I should do next, or what I should write about (every week), how I should start an essay and what I should say to end it. He is really very present in my life now.
Praying or conversing with God seems to have calmed my weary heart. It took away the grumpiness in me. How can I ever get mad or irritable when I was just talking to my God in my mind? How can I ever use my lips to utter hurting words to other people when it is the same lips which I just used to ask my God to take away the hurt that I feel in my heart? I offer everything to God in prayer, be it sadness, or pain, or tears.
In prayer, I feel so intimate with God, I feel so close that I could almost touch Him. There is really nothing that I cannot say to my God because He knows how bad or good or wounded, or rotten or helpless I am inside. There is really no need for me to pretend that things are always going well. One time, my sister asked me if there was ever a time that I felt God embracing me that all I could do was just cry. Yes, a hundred times! I am always moved to tears when I pray to Him because I could never fathom the depth of His love and understanding, that even though I failed Him so many times before, He continues to love and accept me.
It has been said that when we choose to depart from Him and be on our own, we feel so alone inside and yet when we suddenly turn back and say “help”, we will suddenly feel Him so near again because He never really walks out on us; He is just there following us every step of the way.
I wish there would be more space here for me to be able to write the experiences I have whenever I pray, and consequently, the good results brought about by constantly praying. But it would be an unending essay because I can never run out of things to say about my God.
Please, I invite you once again to kneel down and pray, to turn to Him and just pour your heart out not only when you are sad but also when times are going well for you. You know, if for so many years you have relied on your friend’s presence, or text messages, or phone calls to complete your day, I assure you that experiencing God in prayer is simply beyond compare. I am not saying that you ignore your friends. God would not be pleased if you will do that because, remember, they are God’s gift to us. We also feel God’s loving presence through the good relationships that we have with His other children.
But beyond our need for love and affection by other people, there is simply no better way to live, but to live with Him and for Him alone. He is the best partner that we can ever have. Please pray now, pray every moment of your life and bring God’s peace wherever you may go!©
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