cerella (nov 2005)
My apologies for the relapse but I wandered. Alright, I did not really wander. For a month or so, I was lazy. I was so caught up with badminton, work, friends, gimmicks, and getting my weight down that I totally forgot my self-imposed obligation to write every week. It was my fault that because of sheer laziness, I never thought of the people who needed a lift. Now I am back again.
Yet, it was also a blessing in disguise that I had been quiet for quite awhile because I felt I have ran out of things to say. I needed to take in more information, more sense, more ideas, more experiences, more pains, so that I would have something to share.
I have set the mood quite perfectly. It is a quiet Saturday morning, the room is still quiet except for Martin Nievera’s moving voice singing his version of the song “Goodbye Girl.”
Two years ago, my bestfriend Rachel (Diesta) left for New Zealand and I remembered writing about her or having her in mind while making my weekly article. The same with Hester who also left for Dubai who I just chatted with last night and I kept telling her to come back now because I miss having her around.
I find it hard to let go. Whenever a friend would leave, I really would feel the void, the empty space inside me. As I have said before in one of my articles, Paul Mc Cartney’s song described it best: “Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you.” It was like looking and feeling my heart being shared to people I hold dear (or decided to give myself to) only to be sliced in pieces in such a silent yet excruciatingly painful manner. And it will never ever be the same again. It will never ever be whole again.
Few days ago, a number of friends said goodbye. People like me who are left behind do not have much choice but allow them to leave. We will give them the assurance that we will be fine, that we will take care of things, that we will never forget. But we will never tell them how hard we have been fighting the urge to hold them and to not let go. That I think is a No-No in the process of saying goodbye. We should never ever stop them from soaring the skies, from flying, from conquering the world. As friends, all we can do is support them in their dreams and in their decisions while we grieve in silence.
So what’s the whole point? The point is simply that I desperately need to learn how to say goodbye graciously! It is tiring and distressing to always wallow in sadness when all that people do is just to really move on with their own life and search for their own purpose. Nothing is wrong with that. In fact it is just what God intends us to do. So now, as I lurch and wallow in my pain, I would have to find my inner strength to talk to myself and remind myself once again.
Goodbyes, no matter how painful is allowed in any phase of our existence. By saying that it is allowed, I only mean to say that it is a fact of life that we should never be guilty of doing (and accepting). Yes, it would hurt, it would send us down in the ground, but then it should never ever make us bitter (at times also, angry) and hopeless. Some goodbyes may be said sadly or even angrily. But that should never destroy us inside. God allowed it to happen, it has a reason though quite unclear to the shattered heart. In due time, all things will reveal itself quite clearly.
Goodbyes also offer us hope that it is never absolute, it does not end there. Martin’s song says it all: “Goodbye doesn’t mean forever, let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean well never be together again. Though we may be so far apart, you will still have my heart.”
Goodbyes also would send us back running to someone who promised to always stand by us in all circumstances of life. I repeatedly told myself in so many times I was down and angry with the word goodbye that 
God never have that word in His vocabulary. He will never ever say goodbye to us.
A lot of times we walk out of Him without even saying a thing. It was like walking out of His door and the banging that follows after we have stepped out would indicate that “Hey Lord, I am going away, so goodbye now.” The Lord might feel very lucky when one of us would at least tell Him first that “Lord, Please allow me to go away and wander for awhile. There is something that I would like to try and experience, allow me to walk away for awhile.” I have heard Him whispered sadly in my ears for so many times “OK, you go now and search whatever your heart is looking for.” And yet, not one single moment would I feel Him utter the word Goodbye. And I am glad. I am thankful. Because I always knew in my heart that He will never lock the door the moment I stepped out in the cold and maybe in the dark. When I have taken my time, and I grew tired, I just have to go back, knock again, and He is there, always there, just as I have left Him. Then suddenly the pain from a tiring and endless wandering seemed all gone. I was given the rest that my soul needed.
Oopps, my mouth runneth over again! I was merely talking about some friends who left temporarily and my mind and my words wandered so far again!
Goodbye, if only we will understand it, is such a sweet word that gives so much meaning to our existence. The pain, the bitter smile, the tears, the sadness that goes with it gives us nothing but hope that someday we will be home…for good.
THE ART OF SAYING GOODBYE
Remember the old saying, it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all? This speaks of past love relationships or of friendship or of marriage that used to be well but suddenly ended. This is a pleasant consolation to a grieving heart. Our broken hearted friend would surely find solace in hearing us say “he’s not the worthy of your love.”
When your friend is going through a tough marriage or has actually been abandoned already by his partner we would say: “Some good things never really last; he’s wrong for you; you’ll get over him in time: let go because his part in your life story has already ended.”
We always have endless passage from a book, quotes from the bible, lines from a song that would come in handy whenever we find ourselves face to face with a friend or when we find ourselves in front of a mirror looking at a reflection of a miserable, terribly hurt “crying cow.”
Life is really like that, one way or another we need to survive or help a friend survive. We simply need to master the art of saying goodbye. Surely a lot of goodbyes will be said in our lifetime because it is just normal that people, friends, loved ones will walk away from us, either temporarily or permanently, either physically or emotionally. When that moment comes, we need to handle the situation sensibly lest we would be the ones who will be saying goodbye to life itself. Just imagine how a loser we would turn out to be if we end up six feet under by choice!
I will be very honest, I don’t have the gift of saying goodbye genuinely. I say goodbye because that is what is expected of me to say, I say goodbye because saying it would let the other person leave graciously, saying goodbye is simply the only right thing to say at that very moment (meaning, I don’t have much choice!). Saying goodbye is a selfless act though deep in your soul you would want to be selfish and hold that person forever in your hand.
A friend of mine asked, “Are you always like that?” I never knew if I answered truthfully. But Yes I am. I am not a very gregarious person, I only have a handful of friends. But I am proud to say that I know in my heart I am loyal to them and I treasure them so dearly. My very close friends are my friends from grade school, a few of them from College, and still fewer are friends I met at work. From time to time new friends will walk into my life, and I never treated them differently as my old friends. They would still get the same loyalty and affection which gets stronger in time.
That is why when it is time to say the most fearful word “goodbye, ” I would really get so lonely and the loneliness lingers for a long time. The tears seemed to never end. For instance, my best friends who left last year, I reckon are having a good time exploring their new environment but I, on the other hand would still, from time to time, cry at the thought that they are a hundred miles away. I would text them and write to them so often telling them how I missed having them around.
It is quite hateful and irritating sometimes. How I wish I simply could let other people walk away from me without caring at all or without me shedding a single tear. How I wish I was trained to be unattached that when it is time to say goodbye, I would just say “go” then I would simply move on and feel nothing at all. But I wasn’t made like that, how I wish my loved ones and my friends knew in their heart that I put so much value in them as a person that when they leave I have to spend some sweet time being lonely. I will always see to it that I cry, I grieve, I whine, I complain to God, I shout for help, then I await patiently, though sometimes impatiently for that day when I could finally say “I’m OK now.”
Yet when I utter those words and accept in my heart that I truly have let go, it is never saying that I will forget and I will cease to be devoted. Being OK and passing through the last level of saying goodbye is simply transcending into a higher form of understanding and acceptance. It is a realization that without expecting to be remembered, to be looked back to, to be treated with the same loyalty and devotion, I will always choose to be the same. I guess, this is what true friendship is all about, It is loving unconditionally, it is being contented in giving someone your love even when that friend of yours has gone already.
It is the devotion that I will always show that is not waiting for any reward. Other might call it stupidity but I call it living my life meaningfully and yes, freely.
And when words would no longer suffice, and when words would in the future fail me, I will simply utter my silent prayer: “Oh Lord, please take good care of my friend today.”
-cerella
One rainy day, I said to myself as I looked out of the window, and watched every tiny drop of rain that fell on my windowpane- “how sad it is to feel so alone.” Where have all the people I met in my life gone? If only I have the power to hold them in my hand, the power to keep them still, while I go through with life, I could have done that. And I might have, at the moment, multitude of friends sitting beside me watching the rain.
I wonder where are they now? How is life treating them?
I would jokingly tell my husband- just imagine if we could bring all the people we met in our past together in one place. . . we could definitely win an election. He would ask, how sure are we that they would vote for us. I said I know it because these people are our friends.
I had several playmates and friends in my past; one who would admire my collection of books, one who would exchange silly letters with me almost every single day of my high school years, another one who would give me a piece of her new set of stationeries which her mom brought from Manila, and another would watch basketball with me at the gym.
In my college years, I had several friends in the dormitory and in the different organizations I joined in. I befriended some of my teachers. One would let me taste the peanut butter which she herself made. I had friends, who would play tong-its and pusoy dos with me until midnight, there was one friend we rushed to the hospital because she froze out of fear when we watched the Seventh Sign.
In school, there was this organization which I joined in and which until now has a special place in my heart. I would spend my vacant period just talking with my “kuyas.” One would play the guitar for me, and a few of them would exchange letters with me, because I love writing letters. (I still have the letters with me after 16 years!) There was one who would taunt me until I cried. There was one who would ask me to deliver his love letters to his girl. There was one who suddenly cried when we were talking; I didn’t know why, I never asked him and might no longer have the chance to ask him. Of course, there was one kuya, who, after a little while I stopped calling kuya because he became my boyfriend.
In my previous jobs, there was Jenny who also became my roommate in the boarding house we rented. We had so much fun together; we shared our most intimate secrets with each other. Then there was Michelle, who would always accompany me wherever I go, this girl would always admire my wit, my principles. She looked up to me because I graduated from a very prestigious school. Then there was Kaye whose lasagna tasted so good; I still can imagine how we would look forward to her birthdays because that’s the only time of the year when she would let us eat her lasagna for free.
There was Alex, Verna, Mike, Mariz, Bess, Madonna, Sarie, Benjie, Pauline, Rhoda, Sacha, Odette, Mudjie, Bing, Ryan, Allan, Oliver, Joy, Jinky, Weng, Donna, Carlo, Dexter, James, Jenny, Jussan, Sol, Levi, Soc, Rad, Apol, Vivian, Bayani, Angel, Noreen, Fermin, Nina, Briggs, Frank . . You could mention all names there are in this planet, and I swear that in my past, I met at least one with that name.
I could go on forever; I could recite a litany of their names. . . But one thing is certain; they are not with me now. And they might not have thought of me for years. I guess, some people are not really good at intimacy (myself included). I could have done something to keep them. If I only knew I would miss them this much, I could have invented cellular phone years ago.
It is not that I do not like where I am now, it is not that I do not have friends now. I still have with me my friends from my childhood though they are few. I have a friend who became my sister-in-law. My bestfriend, Chel, who is now in New Zealand is my daughter’s godmother, and Hester, who is now in Dubai, is my son’s godmother. But I desperately would love it if one of these days, I got the chance to see my friends from my past and talk to them again.
I would tell them how far life had taken me, but I have never forgotten how good it feels to have them in my life.
I might have, at one point in my life, infuriated or disappointed them. But I am certain that in my heart, I value their friendship and I would forever be grateful for the chance of experiencing it.
The rain had stopped falling. I have to stop this senseless dreaming and move on with my life. There are still a lot of people, a lot of friends (potential friends) along the way. I wish they could fill the void. I wish they could make me whole . . I wish, they would just be like the friends I once had and lost and terribly missed.
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